I rewrote my first part of my story, The sweet scent of blood. Is it better?


Question by Kelly: I rewrote my first part of my story, The sweet scent of blood. Is it better?
I grammar check it, but if I missed any thing please tell me?

I was lying in my bed thinking about so many things, I couldn’t get to sleep. I just kept staring at the ceiling, wishing that sleep would come and take me… To let me dream a dream that would never end, so I wouldn’t have to face the real world. If you were I, you would understand my pain. It felt like no one wanted any thing to do with me anymore…even my parents. I looked over at the clock…
“1:35…Damn, I really need to go to sleep.” I scrambled around, trying to get comfortable. I started to stare at the ceiling again, my eyes were growing heavy. “Finally, thank god.” I said and fell asleep. I found myself in a room…a big white room. It was so bright, that my eyes started to bother me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm myself, and let it out slowly… There was a room. It was like watching a movie. I wasn’t there, but I was seeing everything. There four people. A woman and three men bent over a table speaking in such a low tone that I could barely hear them.
“What ____ you ___ we do?” The woman asked curiously.
“Make her ___ of us.” The man said at the front of the table. I didn‘t understand what was going on.
“No,” someone shouted, “You can‘t do that to her, Griffin! I won‘t let you!” He said, furiously. “The Man”, I guessed, as Griffin and looked at Thomas sadly.
“Thomas, I know you love her…but she knows too much.” He said, and sighed. “It has to be done… Thomas, I’m sorry.” Thomas jumped for him but the other man tackled him to the floor and held him there. . He removed the cloth that was covering the girls face. What I saw, was me. I was staring at myself lying on a table. He lowered his head to my neck. I felt a small pain in neck. I grabbed at it and gasped in pain. I awoke covered in sweat.
“What in the world…?” I said and got up and went to the bathroom and washed off. I came back and laid back in bed thinking about what I just dreamt. What could it all mean? I laid there for a few more minutes, and then my eyes again began to get heavy. I let sleep take me. I wanted to dream more. I wanted to know more. I found myself watching the girl in a canopy bed, with the curtains drawn. She sat up and her legs of the side of the bed scooted out. Her legs buckled from beneath her. Thomas’s arms grabbed her around the waist, pulled her up, and drew her to his chest.
“You’re awake,” He said sadly, and started to sob, “I’m so sorry, this…this is entirely my fault.” He cried and hugged her tighter.
“No. it’s not,” She said in a sweet voice, “This is what I wanted, to be with you…forever.” She pulled out of his arms threw arms around his waist and hugged him as tight as she could. He put his cheek against her head and sighed.
“Why would you want this damned life,” He asked softly, “You’ll never see your friends or family again. The girl pulled away and backed away.
“What do you mean I won’t be able to see them again?” She asked upset. He walked towards her, but she backed away even more.

Best answer:

Answer by Diznikki
It sounds like a poorly written rip-off of twilight.

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            What Do You Think Of My Story (Part 2)? PLEASE READ!!?


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            (continued…)
            I was no longer the girl terrified of her father; I was not going to allow him to kill me so easy, not without a fight.
            “What’s ya gonna do Devi?” The way he said my nickname was sweet but deadly at the same time.
            I pulled my arm back, balled my hand into a fist. All the anger that I felt toward him built up inside me almost like an adrenaline rush. With all my force I snapped my hand forward hitting him right in the heart.
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            Best answer:

            Answer by Silence J
            Loved this one, too. This is a great story!

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